So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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