I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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