Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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