I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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