She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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