We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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