It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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