I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
