I puked a lego.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
