just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
