So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
