if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
