If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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