Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
