I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
