Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
