I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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