these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
