how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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