At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
