a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
