The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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