how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
