I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
