in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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