so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Naked. naked and bneed help.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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