I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
