bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
