The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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