if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
