Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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