Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
