I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
