I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
