I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
