i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Ladies don't puke and tell
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
