I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
