My room smells like vodka and shame
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
