I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
