So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
