Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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