my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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