I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
