one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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