At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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