He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
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