I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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