your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
