So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
In other news, I just burned my penis
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
