WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
