As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
